Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

Title: Beauty QueensAuthor: Libba Bray
Publisher: Scholastic, Inc./Scholastic Press
Release Date: May 24th, 2011
Pages: 400 pages (hardcover)
How I Got the Book: Amazon Vine

The fifty contestants in the Miss Teen Dream pageant thought this was going to be a fun trip to the beach, where they could parade in their state-appropriate costumes and compete in front of the cameras. But sadly, their airplane had another idea crashing on a desert island and leaving the survivors stranded with little food, little water, and practically no eyeliner.

What's a beauty queen to do? Continue to practice for the talent portion of the program--or wrestle snakes to the ground? Get a perfect tan--or learn to run wild? And what should happen when the sexy pirates show up?

Welcome to the heart of non-exfoliated darkness. Your tour guide? None other than Libba Bray, the hilarious, sensational, Printz Award-winning author of A Great and Terrible Beauty and Going Bovine. The result is a novel that will make you laugh, make you think, and make you never see beauty the same way again.

Review:

After their Corporation plane crashes on a desert island, the fourteen surviving beauty queens of the Corporation-sponsored Miss Teen Dream beauty pageant must fend for themselves and find a way to either make a home out of the island or be rescued. Between their clashes and practicing for the pageant, they come to rely on one another and discover themselves now that they're away from the pressures put on them by society and even their own families. But just beyond the forest, there is a Corporation compound planning an illegal arms deal with a dictator. These women aren't going down without a fight once they're discovered and plan to save the day, along with get the hell off that island.

When I read this just over a month ago, I loved it. Hell, I was over the MOON for it. After time to think about it, I fell out of love with this book. It isn't as great as I first thought it was and it would be a travesty if I didn't correct myself and make my true opinion known. Looking back at my old review, I'm wondering why I felt the way I did and I'm left without answers. My old review feels kind of... well, forced. Like I was blinded by the hype and forcing myself to say it because I just couldn't imagine not liking it.

There were a few funny points, but this satire wasn't as funny as I thought it was. The characters, starting out as stereotypes, all got their moment of depth but none of the moments were very well. The messages of female empowerment, that women and diversity should be celebrated and people should accept themselves as they are, are awesome, but they're not presented well. It's more like they're preached at me.

Preachy. Yeah, that's the one word I would use to describe this book. All of the values and ideas felt like they were being preached and thrown at me, not smoothly woven into the story. I support and believe in all that stuff already, so there's no need to preach it all to me. The magic of satire is that it makes people think about the subject, right? With Beauty Queens, all the ideas are presented to you and the reader doesn't have to think. The magic of it goes out just like that.

What wins the book for me even a little bit is that I did have soft spots for three of the characters (Adina, Petra, and Shanti) and that I liked most of the footnotes in the book. The ideas are great, but the way they're presented isn't.

In the end, Beauty Queens now leaves me speechless, and not in the way people want to be left speechless. This review itself is an example because this has to be one of the shortest reviews I've ever written. There's not much I can say or go in-depth about. (Also, I'm trying to cut down on my babbling.)

2 stars!

What am I reading next?: Chime by Franny Billingsley

The Goddess Test by Aimee Carter

Spoilers for the entirety of The Goddess Test are within. Beware! No, seriously. I spoil the entire novel and then some. If you want to keep things a mystery, move on!
Title: The Goddess Test
Author: Aimee Carter
Publisher: Harlequin Teen
Pages: 297 pages (Adobe Digital Editions document)
How I Got the Book: I recieved a free copy from Harlequin Teen through NetGalley and I thank them for providing it to me.

EVERY GIRL who has taken the test has DIED.

Now it's KATE'S TURN.

It’s always been just Kate and her mom—and her mother is dying. Her last wish? To move back to her childhood home. So Kate’s going to start at a new school with no friends, no other family and the fear her mother won’t live past the fall.

Then she meets Henry. Dark. Tortured. And mesmerizing. He claims to be Hades, god of the Underworld—and if she accepts his bargain, he’ll keep her mother alive while Kate tries to pass seven tests.

Kate is sure he’s crazy—until she sees him bring a girl back from the dead. Now saving her mother seems crazily possible. If she succeeds, she’ll become Henry’s future bride, and a goddess.

If she fails...

Review:

As her mother dies of cancer, eighteen-year-old Kate Winters takes her to Eden, Michigan so her mother can die in peace in her quiet hometown. Kate's plans are to stay until her mother dies and then return to new York City, but it doesn't work out this way. She meets Henry, who calls himself a Greek god, and will keep Kate's mother alive a little longer, along with bringing a dead girl back to life. In exchange, Kate will spend every fall and winter for the rest of her life with him and undertake seven tests. If she passes the tests, Kate will become a goddess and Henry's wide. If she fails, it's probably because someone murdered her.

Since there's only one or two good points to this novel, I may as well get them out of the way. At first, I kind of liked Kate. Despite being whiny at first about being in a small town and some guys maybe-liking her, she sucks it all up when she gets stuck in a tough situation. I admired that. She did something not many people would do: risked her life and have away half of the rest of her life because she cared so much about her friends and family. The emotion Kate felt when dealing with her mother's impending death felt real instead of over-exaggerated. She also cared enough about having her choice that someone died because of her determination to have a choice. By the end of the novel, I not longer liked Kate at all. More on that later.

There were two points in this novel that could have been expanded into something more interesting: Kate's feelings for Henry and one other point I can't even remember because this book lacked so little originality. Having Kate be in love with Henry when he didn't return her feelings would have been awesome because that's CONFLICT, and it's also a conflict few young adult authors are willing to touch. She would have been forced to deal with it and that's something that keeps people reading. Nope, just shortly after Kate's realization, Henry reveals he's in love with her too. Point that could have taken this book from "just another YA paranormal" to "that book where the heroine's love stays unrequited" is null and void. Ugh.

Wait, I take back what I said about the book lacking originality. It does have some originality in there: It is original in how badly it slaughters Greek mythology.

You see, when you write Greek mythology, it should resemble Greek mythology when done well. That means that the gods lack morals, do what they want, screw around, and do stuff that is inappropriate for young children to read about.. If you don't, the biggest Greek mythology fans will make you rewrite the book by hand and use your blood as the ink in your pen. The people who are supposedly Greek gods in this novel act nothing like the gods people know from the myths. If you have to put a table at the end of the book that tells you which character was which god or goddess, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. You're also calling your reader an idiot who can't figure out who's who. Maybe you should try showing the reader within the confines of the story which person is which god/goddess.

Another thing you shouldn't do is mix mythologies. Greek and Christian mythology have nothing to do with each other. Heck, the stuff in just one Greek myth would violate at least fifty Christian principles. The Greek gods are not going to base their tests off the seven sins of Christianity. They have no morals, so why would they use tests of morality to decide whether or not a girl became a goddess? This makes no sense. Some may also find disturbing undertones when realizing that the men did great quests or physical and mental feats to earn immortality and for girls, it's apparently a test of their morality.

Oh, another bit of nonsense! We all know who Hera is, right? Goddess of marriage? Wife of Zeus who did not take adultery lightly? Yeah, she's in love with Hades here and kills all the girls who have even the slightest chance of becoming his new wife. It makes no sense at all for Hera to be the villain because according to who she is, she is the last one that would commit adultery or break the vows of marriage. She was never in love with Hades and screwing around with the myths for the sake of the plot will not win over any fans of Greek mythos. Then again, considering that these gods and goddesses are nothing like the "real" gods and goddesses...

No one in this novel gets any depth whatsoever. Henry, James, Ava, Kate, everyone else--they're pretty much caricatures. They get touches at certain moments, but it's all for nothing. The plot plods along, the functional writing keeps up with that slow pace, and the chapters always end with cliffhangers that are closer to frustrating than enticing. If you're observant, you'll see twists and the big shocker ending coming from a mile away. I started seeing hints of it halfway through when all these people Kate knew in Eden start showing up in Henry's home as people who will help Kate pass her seven tests. The prologue has to be one of the most blatant hints in the novel.

And the ending. Oh God, the ending. The reader will either love it or hate the crap out of it. In the circles I run in, most hate it, including me. The implications that Kate was born just so she could be raised and "given the opportunities" to become Henry's wife are very uncomfortable. Kate's reaction wasn't anything close to in-character. This girl, who cared so much about having a choice that it killed Ava a second time, suddenly finds out that it was more like she had an illusion of choice instead of an actual one. And she's okay with this? (Just a side note, but Demeter hated Hades. She would never do what she did for him in this book.) Yeah, that's not the Kate I knew.

 This could have easily gotten a worse rating. The few good parts were pretty good and the bad parts were bad a on a level I wasn't sure existed. This is just another title in the young adult fantasy crowd, one girls will pick up and fall in love with despite all of its inaccuracies and uncomfortable implications. Anything that could have made this novel something new was killed off before it could even sprout. I thought about picking up its sequel Goddess Interrupted in 2012, but I'm not sure I want to now. That would be a waste of my money.

2 stars!

Last Sacrifice by Richelle Mead

Spoilers for all six books are contained within. Beware!

Title: Last Sacrifice
Author: Richelle Mead
Publisher: Razorbill
Release Date: December 7th, 2010
Pages: 594 pages (hardback)
How I Got the Book: Bought it from Amazon.

Rose Hathaway has always played by her own rules. She broke the law when she ran away from St. Vladimir's Academy with her best friend and last surviving Dragomir princess, Lissa. She broke the law when she fell in love with her gorgeous, off-limits instructor, Dimitri. And she dared to defy Queen Tatiana, leader of the Moroi world, risking her life and reputation to protect generations of dhampir guardians to come.

Now that law has finally caught up with Rose--for a crime she didn't even commit. She's in prison for the highest offense imaginable: the assassination of a monarch. She'll need help from both Dimitri and Adrian to find the one living person who can stall her execution and force the Moroi elite to acknowledge a shocking new candidate for the royal throne: Vasilisa Dragomir.

But the clock on Rose's life is running out. Rose knows in her heart the world of the dead wants her back...and this time she is truly out of second chances. The big question is, when your whole life is about saving others, who will save you?

Join Rose, Dimitri, Adrian, and Lissa in Last Sacrifice, the epic, unforgettable finale to Richelle Mead's international #1 bestselling Vampire Academy series.

Review:

After the cliffhanger ending of Spirit Bound, Rose is set to stand trial for the murder of the Moroi queen Tatiana, the great-aunt of her boyfriend Adrian. However, her friends and family don't plan to let hr go on trial. They break her out with the help of some explosions and she goes on the run with her Lissa-appointed bodyguard Dimitri. Their plan is to get her somewhere safe until she can be proven innocent, but Rose has her own mission: find Lissa's illegitimate half-sibling. Meanwhile, Lissa works hard at court to clear Rose's name, find Tatiana's true killer, and maybe even become the next queen.

When I first read the book and wrote the review for it in December 2010, I was on a cloud of euphoria and not thinking very clearly. None of my favorite characters died (even if two of my favorites were given serious crap), the series had what I thought was a good ending, and it was eleven at night. I just wanted to write my review and go to bed. That was a mistake. Without a critical mind in my head, I reviewed this book, the book I anticipated more than any other in 2010. This time around, I've got my head on straight.

First comes the good parts: Lissa. each piece of the story that showed what she was doing at court and her growth as a character were amazing. From what I know, very few fans liked Lissa at the beginning and I didn't care much for her either. Now she's my favorite female character. She underwent staggering growth in six books and I'm proud of the person she's become. This girl's cutting is long behind her; now she is true royalty, a woman who can stand on her own without leaning on Rose to support her. I think she'll make an amazing queen. Too bad I won't be able to see it for myself.

The expansion into the world of the Keepers, the Moroi and such that live in caves away from civilization, was fun while it lasted. I don't see any reason why it was there other than set-up for the spin-off (because you know that's exactly what this is), but I liked it. Angeline, a dhampir girl in the Keeper world, was an interesting one and it would be a crime if she didn't appear in the spin-off. We do learn who Lissa's sibling is and anyone who figured out Mead's style will know who it is. That doesn't mean it can't still be a shock, though.

Now then, on to the bad... And there's a lot of it. First stop: Adrian. He'd had so much bull thrown at him over the course of the series and he didn't deserve any of it. Adrian was always more compelling than Dimitri, especially in the later books, because he's (figuratively) human. He has his issues and problems and his character has such life, but he's given such horrible treatment. This guy funds your trip to Siberia so you can kill the guy you love (or try and fail, more accurately) and then you repay him by cheating on him and using his credit card for things like a hotel in Las Vegas? Wow... I'm glad they broke up. Adrian deserves better than that.

What I hate worse is that he won't get over his heartbreak on his own. No, everyone and their kitchen sink knows by now that people are already making calls of "Adrian/Jill!" and "Adrian/Sydney!" and "love triangle!" because everyone knows it will happen in the spin-off. Allow me to make a statement to counter one I saw a Vampire Academy fan make once: FALLING IN LOVE IS NOT THE ONLY HAPPY ENDING. Apparently, it's not a happy ending until they're in love with someone. Conquering a massive case of heartbreak and being free to live life without that burden does not seem to count. Other Vampire Academy fans really make me angry sometimes, you know?

I really thought this would be one paranormal book where the female love rival wouldn't turn into a raging bitch. She didn't get the guy, but Tasha seemed like a true ally of Rose's and a friend who could be trusted. Tasha was my favorite female character until now (Lissa pushed her off the pedestal) and I hated to see that her character became the villain. Well, we can always try again elsewhere... I should have expected it. For Pete's sake, I'd read the fifth Georgina book a few months earlier and the same thing: love rival/friend to main character turns into a horrible person over the guy they both like.

A series-wide problem that became obvious to me in this book is how women would use a man's feelings for them to get stuff done. There were at least two instances in this book and what Rose got Adrian to do for her in previous books would account for many more. I advocate the equality of men and women. That's what being feminist is about. In this series, women are often painted as manipulative creatures that are above men and act like puppeteers. Whether real or fictional, women do not need this kind of image! Why is playing with the heart, something most can agree is an unforgivable crime, so common within these novels?

Thinking over this book again, I suddenly realized it: I hate Rose Hathaway. Adrian's speech at the end of the novel was dead-on. Over the course of the series and especially the last two books, Rose became a manipulative girl trying to pass herself off as a hero and left a lot of collateral damage behind on the way to her happy ending with Dimitri. Whatever Jill wanted to do with her life is pretty much screwed now, Eddie will be lucky to get any sort of job after what's happened, and Adrian's got one heck of a broken heart. She just brushes all of this off with "you're only a victim because you're letting yourself be one." I need help for this one:

Let it be known that I am delusional. I loved this series so much at the beginning that my poor inner child can't accept the ending as a natural one and I made up two scenarios that explain the mess it turned into. One: The news of Dimitri becoming Strigoi drove Rose insane and her mental instability accounts for her thoughts and actions from Blood Promise onward. Two: Avery's spirit magic did something to Rose's brain during that fight and everything that happened from that point onward is because of that. I liked Blood Promise, so I use the second explanation. Either way, Rose stopped acting like Rose and that's how it fell apart.

Make fun of me. Comment and tell me how pathetic I am. I don't care. All I know is that this wonderful series that I fangirled and pushed on everyone I could (even my mother!) fell apart sometime around Spirit Bound  (or Blood Promise, but I liked that book and didn't notice if it happened in there) and I will not invest my money in the spin-off or its first book Bloodlines. I read the Georgina and Dark Swan books too, but I'm not reading anymore of Mead's books after the final Georgina book comes out. I'll leave Dark Swan unfinished and look it up one day. Why keep reading when I know the series will eventually implode? It happened in Georgina, then in Vampire Academy, and it will happen again.

2 stars!